Happy

It's morning. There is snow on the ground. As a California transplant I thought I would never get tired of snow. I thought wrong.

I have been living outside Nashville for 5 years. It's been long enough for me to know I'll never go back, although I'll always call California home. I arrived here with nothing except my daughter and our clothes. We lived with my brother and his family.... now that was interesting. The first year I was here was, like my previous years, a blur. I made some crazy friends working in the restaurant biz... anyone who has worked behind the scenes at a restaurant knows the type I am referring to. We worked only as much as necessary, and we partied harder than needed. I did manage to get my own place, a 2 bedroom apartment across the street from WalMart (another new fixture in my life), although I didn't spend much time there. I had fallen in love with my brothers neighbor and best friend. I had fallen harder for him than I ever had for anyone. That love was shocking. The way I missed him when he was gone, the way I could already imagine the rest of our lives.
He broke me.
After that I decided to, excuse the phrase, pull my head out of my ass. I got a job an hour away teaching riding lessons. It was something I was good at, something I had done for as long as I could remember, something I needed more than him. I put myself into it full force, trying to forget the ache in my heart. Trying to get past the memories of what could have been. I did that, and while it still hurt to hear his name, and while life was still upside down, the way it often is when the lives of two people who were in love are suddenly split apart- when friends, family, places become dangerous- it got just a little easier. I continued on my journey of healing. I moved closer to work, I left the barn I was working at to start a new riding school with a woman who is a whole other story. I moved on.
Somewhere along the way, moving on became easier, but loving became harder. I broke a few hearts, and I'm not saying that to brag. Breaking someones heart is nothing to be proud of.
Recently I started my own business. I have found an amazing man that has put up with my inability to connect, and somehow I love him.
Somewhere, in the last 5 years, I have found myself. I am not perfect. I am not finished growing. But I am strong. I am proud. I can start something and follow it through to the end.

I am happy.