Blues... and something yellow.

Family and I have blown up the air mattress, and we are sprawled across the living room. We are watching Van Helsing for what feels like the millionth time. Time Travelers Wife was earlier. I've been a little blue this week. Maybe it's the weather.

A few months ago I was diagnosed with depression. I've been on Cymbalta, a mild anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med. It does help quite a bit, but there are still the occasional stretch of days I can't shake the tired, exasperated feeling. My temper with Ana and Dan gets short fused, and I cry when the dogs (mainly the puppy) tear things up. Actually, being diagnosed was a bit f a relief, since now I know what is going on, and I know there is an end to it somewhere. Before I spoke with my doctor, I was getting to the point with all of it that I was wondering if there were such thing as happiness. Nothing I did felt right.

At this point, even when I have a case of the blues, I know my life is truely beautiful. I love my job. I love my daughter, and my boyfriend. The path I am on is honest and true.

The other day 2 of the girls I train told me they had written a paper on me. They do not attend the same school, it was purely coincidental, which was funny. Anyway, they both wrote a paper on me, choosing me as their "role- model." I had to fight back tears. I have been through so much, I have made so, so many bad choices, I have hurt people and myself, have done embarrassing things.... and I have tried so hard to change.... hearing that these kids, who I honestly love and feel blessed to know, think of me as a role model took my breath away. I feel like I have finally come almost full-circle.

I grew up riding, and spending time at the barn with the other barn girls was the best part of summer and weekends. That is what I want so much to offer these kids. A place where it dosen't matter what grade you're in, if you're popular at school.... at the barn we're all in old jeans and ponytails, mucking stalls and hauling water buckets. I want that place they escape to, I want them t have an adult that maybe isn't a parent, who they can talk to. I want to build their self-esteem, and let them learn that even though we may not always win, and we may not have the fanciest horses, we are all still winners, we are still a support system... a team.

I have dreamed of this for so long. I love every minute of what I'm doing. I'm broke, and Dan and I are really struggling to make ends meet, but we have what we need... and i love him for being so amazingly supportive. He even goes out with me on the really cold mornings and helps me haul water buckets and muck stalls... yeah, he's a keeper :)

Okay, I'm off. Gotta make chicken pot pie. Yum.