Dangerous Man

This was written 10/06. I'm proud of it.

He is the most dangerous of all men. He is smart, charming, sensitive and stable. He is your best friend, there for you when you need to be taken care of. He laughs at your jokes, and calls to say good morning. You take amazing trips, and lie in bed at three in the afternoon, with the windows open while it is pouring down rain. He is, you believe, the half that will make you whole.

Yet there is something missing, something you cannot put your finger on. Songs play on the radio, country tunes sung by men that cannot live without that one woman, and you wonder, would he have written that song about me? In your heart, you are afraid of that answer. You see commercials for engagement rings, and out of the corner of your eye you see him cringe just the slightest bit. You tell yourself that you are being silly. That this man, this perfect, perfect man loves you as much as he can. So he can't write a song, and he isn't ready to get married, but there is time for all that. For now you just exist together, in his bed, on his couch, always in his territory.

Then it begins to go wrong. You cannot pinpoint exactly when. The light in his eyes grew dim so slowly, you never saw it go out. He tells you that he needs space, that over time your lives have become so entwined, he dosen't want the pressure, the responsibilty. Nothing has changed outwardly. You still love the same shows, enjoy the same music, cook together on Sunday mornings, but in his heart he has decided your love is not for him.

You ask how long he's known, and of course the answer tears your heart open. He says he's always known, he just wanted it to work out, he wanted to love you, and he tried, but he cannot change who he is. And since you have already changed who you are, tried to fit yourself into what you thought he wanted you to be, you suddenly feel lost. What about what you want? Where are you in all of this? Where is the person you were two weeks ago, before he broke your heart? Where is the person you were two years ago, before you even met him? What now?

So now you're in your territory. In an apartment you've had but never lived in. Working to keep busy, taking care of the child that also fell in love with him, and that he also walked out on.. You try to make yourself tired enough that you fall asleep at night, but when you do you dream. Of falling cars and dark water, of summer that will never come again. You drive by his house and there is a not so strange car in your spot, someone you both knew, and now he knows better. You realize how over it really is.

As the days pass you make the allowed number of hurt and angry calls, and make a fool of yourself once or twice in your hurt and angry state of mind. But then you begin to realize what was wrong with him. He led your heart into a false sense of security. He made promises and meant to keep them, but he knew what he was doing all along. He tried to love you, not really for you, but more to prove to himself he was worthy of you, even though he always knew he wasn't good enough. He convinced you, and your friends, and all those that are close to you, but in his mind he really knew he was just pretending. As you realize each bad quality of his, you remember something about yourself that you'd forgotten. Like that you love fresh flowers in the house, and a kitten to curl up on the couch with. You love to write and you finally get to those books you'd been meaning to read. You prefer to sleep with the TV off, and you honestly hate Adult Swim. All of a sudden, you remember you.

He is the most dangerous type of man. He is the half that makes you whole, and you forget that you are whole without him. He is not your best friend, and though every promise he makes he wants to keep, he knows they are empty words. He loved you as much as he can, and he was as good to you as he could be. You saw the potential, but that is all it was: potential that will never be realized. He knew all along that you would get your heart broken, and the hardest part is he never cared enough to fill you in, to let you make informed decisions about how much to give him. He watched you get lost, and he knew what would happen, and he was too selfish to catch you as you fell for him, his lies, his facade. And he let your childs heart get broken also, which is the most unforgivable part of all..

He will tell you he's sorry, and you will believe him. You will tell him he's making a mistake and he will believe you. In time he'll realize what he lost, and when that day comes you will be so far over him you will laugh at the thought that you actually gave someone like him years of your life. You will find someone better, that is deserving of you, and all your imperfections and all that love you have to give. This was a hard lesson, but someday you'll be glad he broke your heart, for it showed you who you are.

The Friend

When I first moved to Tennessee, I had a friend. It was the deepest friendship I had experienced in a long time.

She and I were together pretty much ALL the time. We worked together, cleaned houses on the side. We both had kids, and liked to drink beer with the boys. Looking back, that time was to me what I believe college is to many people.

Moving from LA to Nashville was by far the most amazing, and terrifying, thing I had ever

done.

It was liberating, being someone no one knew after a lifetime of knowing the same people. I was able to leave behind the SHY

Quiet

WallFlower

Anywho....

This friend. I loved her. We had the best time just being girls.

I'm really not sure what happened. There was a boy. Not the way that sounds, he was just her friend, I was his girlfriend. There was history

and alcohol

and jealousy.

Like I said, I'm not exactly sure what happened.

We were friends, staying up late watching movies with our kids....

Hanging out around a bonfire...

And Then We Weren't

The point of my story???

A friend.... actually, the friend that took her place....

Ran into her the other day. She thinks about me, she said. She wants to talk to me, she said. Here's my number, please have her call me, she said.

Now I'm really not sure why, but I don't know if I want to call her.

I miss her, I really do.

But will it will be like an old flame?? Sitting there, the picture of awkward. Two women who once had SO much in common. Now just two women who used to share secrets,

and dreams,

and lives.

Two women, who hurt each other for no reason. Things happen for a reason.

People come into our lives for a season, to teach us and show us, and sometimes to hurt us

so that next time we will be stronger.

Like I said. This was the deepest friendship I had experienced outside of childhood.

I'm not sure I can go through her again.

Broken down...

If it's not one thing, it's another.

Went down to georgia, got Dans stuff. All fine and dandy. We are going to head back towards Chattanooga to stay the night. I wanted to stay in Atlanta, but Dan made the point that we had a horse to see in the morning, and this way we wouldn't be rushed.... all logical.

SO

We head back towards Tennessee.

And the drive shaft falls out of the truck.

Here we are, in Calhoun, Gerogia (where?????), in a Hoiliday Inn Express, with a broken truck and a trailer full of furniture. We managed to get ahold of Dans friend, who is AWESOME enough to give up his sunday to not only drive 3 hours to come rescue us and the trailer, but he's going to go an hour past his house in Smyrna to drop us off in Goodlettsville. You know that song, you find out who your friends are..... well, Mike has my vote.

As for the truck, a couple guys is a big black tow truck just arrived on the scene, and they are all standing around looking at the engine. From this vantage point I can't decide if things are looking up or not.

Here's hoping this doesn't cost us a months rent.

Analena

My child.....

how I love her....

Is there anything as beautiful???

Passions

Georgia tomorrow.

Shelbyville Sunday to look at a horse for a student. Nice thing is I'd use it for lessons, and I am need of a beginner horse. I need to get my routine back, I know I have the ability to train these horses, and these kids. Well, the kid part is not the problem I just need to focus on it. Focus on my riding, so I can teach that much better.

I love horses. I love the smell, I love the feel of a good canter. I love the dirt and hay

....and the leather.

I even love cleaning stalls. Okay, not LOVE, but I don't mind.

It's the love affair of my life, in a way.

I love horses just as much now as I did at 12.

I love having "the girls" out at the barn. They bring me such joy :)

Today was 45 degrees. Thank you God, for spring.

Thank you God, for horses.

Thank you God, for my family

Help me, God, so I can be a better person.

I'm working on it, but I need all the help I can get.

Peace/Love/Laughter

Tomorrow

Sometimes I find myself procrastinating. There are things I need to get done, things I used to do every day. Things I enjoy, and have opportunity to enjoy.

WHY do I put off till tomorrow.... blah blah blah...

My To-Do list for tomorrow:

Get up HAPPY

Ride ALL my horses

Ground work Lil Bit

No eating junk food

Give Ana 1000 kisses

Find reasons to be thankful in every hour

Clean up living room

Teach good, productive lessons

Pray.

AMAZING

I have become obsessed with the Nie Nie Dialogues. Read it. It is sad, happy and beautiful....

Everyone has a bucket list... right??

Some day I want to...

Write a book

Visit Africa

See Mt Olympus

See the Pyramids

Sail

Go on a mission trip

Laugh

See a broadway play

Drink tea in england

Change a life-for the better

have a pen pal I've never met

create an awesome blog

start a horse

get married

see my daughter get married

jump cross country in Ireland

drink coffee in paris

spend spring in Italy

learn to play guitar

create a scrapbook

own a house filled with special memories

Blues... and something yellow.

Family and I have blown up the air mattress, and we are sprawled across the living room. We are watching Van Helsing for what feels like the millionth time. Time Travelers Wife was earlier. I've been a little blue this week. Maybe it's the weather.

A few months ago I was diagnosed with depression. I've been on Cymbalta, a mild anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med. It does help quite a bit, but there are still the occasional stretch of days I can't shake the tired, exasperated feeling. My temper with Ana and Dan gets short fused, and I cry when the dogs (mainly the puppy) tear things up. Actually, being diagnosed was a bit f a relief, since now I know what is going on, and I know there is an end to it somewhere. Before I spoke with my doctor, I was getting to the point with all of it that I was wondering if there were such thing as happiness. Nothing I did felt right.

At this point, even when I have a case of the blues, I know my life is truely beautiful. I love my job. I love my daughter, and my boyfriend. The path I am on is honest and true.

The other day 2 of the girls I train told me they had written a paper on me. They do not attend the same school, it was purely coincidental, which was funny. Anyway, they both wrote a paper on me, choosing me as their "role- model." I had to fight back tears. I have been through so much, I have made so, so many bad choices, I have hurt people and myself, have done embarrassing things.... and I have tried so hard to change.... hearing that these kids, who I honestly love and feel blessed to know, think of me as a role model took my breath away. I feel like I have finally come almost full-circle.

I grew up riding, and spending time at the barn with the other barn girls was the best part of summer and weekends. That is what I want so much to offer these kids. A place where it dosen't matter what grade you're in, if you're popular at school.... at the barn we're all in old jeans and ponytails, mucking stalls and hauling water buckets. I want that place they escape to, I want them t have an adult that maybe isn't a parent, who they can talk to. I want to build their self-esteem, and let them learn that even though we may not always win, and we may not have the fanciest horses, we are all still winners, we are still a support system... a team.

I have dreamed of this for so long. I love every minute of what I'm doing. I'm broke, and Dan and I are really struggling to make ends meet, but we have what we need... and i love him for being so amazingly supportive. He even goes out with me on the really cold mornings and helps me haul water buckets and muck stalls... yeah, he's a keeper :)

Okay, I'm off. Gotta make chicken pot pie. Yum.

Happy

It's morning. There is snow on the ground. As a California transplant I thought I would never get tired of snow. I thought wrong.

I have been living outside Nashville for 5 years. It's been long enough for me to know I'll never go back, although I'll always call California home. I arrived here with nothing except my daughter and our clothes. We lived with my brother and his family.... now that was interesting. The first year I was here was, like my previous years, a blur. I made some crazy friends working in the restaurant biz... anyone who has worked behind the scenes at a restaurant knows the type I am referring to. We worked only as much as necessary, and we partied harder than needed. I did manage to get my own place, a 2 bedroom apartment across the street from WalMart (another new fixture in my life), although I didn't spend much time there. I had fallen in love with my brothers neighbor and best friend. I had fallen harder for him than I ever had for anyone. That love was shocking. The way I missed him when he was gone, the way I could already imagine the rest of our lives.
He broke me.
After that I decided to, excuse the phrase, pull my head out of my ass. I got a job an hour away teaching riding lessons. It was something I was good at, something I had done for as long as I could remember, something I needed more than him. I put myself into it full force, trying to forget the ache in my heart. Trying to get past the memories of what could have been. I did that, and while it still hurt to hear his name, and while life was still upside down, the way it often is when the lives of two people who were in love are suddenly split apart- when friends, family, places become dangerous- it got just a little easier. I continued on my journey of healing. I moved closer to work, I left the barn I was working at to start a new riding school with a woman who is a whole other story. I moved on.
Somewhere along the way, moving on became easier, but loving became harder. I broke a few hearts, and I'm not saying that to brag. Breaking someones heart is nothing to be proud of.
Recently I started my own business. I have found an amazing man that has put up with my inability to connect, and somehow I love him.
Somewhere, in the last 5 years, I have found myself. I am not perfect. I am not finished growing. But I am strong. I am proud. I can start something and follow it through to the end.

I am happy.

Me. Take it or leave it.

I've never been a blogger. I've never even read a blog until today. But I've been thinking about it a lot, lately, and I am going to give it a try.

I have always harbored this dream of writing a book someday. I grew up in a house filled with books. I mean FILLED with books. In fact, my parents recently moved out of their house in California.... the house I was born and raised in... the house they shared for almost 35 years.... and with them they took my fathers collection. Easily 2oo plus boxes filled with books. They moved from a 1000 sq foot house into a 3000 sq foot house, and they still have books in every room.

So as you see, books have always been a part of me. My boyfriend, Dan, dosen't understand. He thinks of books as he thinks of magazines.... once read, they can be recycled. It is one of the ways we differ... and it's an argument that is guaranteed to, at least on my part, lead to the silent treatment.

Don't misunderstand: I LOVE my boyfriend. He is, without a doubt, my best friend. It's a different relationship than I'm used to. He doesn't cheat, or lie. He pulls his weight financially, and around the house. Overall, we are a compatible pair.

I think my favorite part is the laughter. We laugh until we cry sometimes. And I love that we're both out of the phase in life that means living from night to night, instead of day by day.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. That's a story for another time, in fact, that story almost feels like it happened to a whole other person. Maybe when I get more used to the thought of public diary entries, I'll tell that one.

Back to my daughter. What can say except she's beautiful. I know all mothers say that, but ask anyone. She's half puerto rican, with the brownest eyes you ever saw. Her hair is almost brown, and almost blonde. She's tall like me, but thin like him. She takes tae kwon do, plays the piano, and swims. She is my favorite snuggler. That child saved me the darkest days of my past, and it is because of her that I am not another lost soul, living in $40 increments... if you know what that means.

I am an animal lover. Between Dan and I we have 4 dogs, 2 cats and 3 horses. We live in a 900 sq foot trailer. Yes, we're cramped. Well, the horses live at the barn board and train out of, but we're still cramped.

A typical morning at our house:

5:30 Older cat meows LOUDLY at the back door, insistent on being let out RIGHT NOW. Dan pretends to be asleep. I get up and, after running into the kitchen table, let the stupid cat out. ( I love that cat, but at 5:30 am I don't like anyone)

6:30 puppy jumps on the bed, digs his head under my arm and licks my face. I unkindly tell him to go away.

6:35 puppy rolls in bed, whining. Dan pretends to be asleep.

6:40 Puppy sits right at the foot of the bed, and older dog begins to whine along with him

6:45 Big dog joins the party. so I unhappily get out of bed. Dan still pretends to be sleeping.

6:47 I go to back of house, find where girl dog has left unkind stinky gifts (she is mad that she can't sleep with us, so she punishes us by not waiting until I get up)

6:49 I am done cursing the dogs, and all other creatures. Dan still pretends to be sleeping.

6:50 coffee pot starts, thank goodness.

7:00 I am in home office, with kitten continuously climbing into my lap to bite my fingers no matter how many times I put her down.

7:30 I go to bedroom, where Ana has climbed in bed with Dan and the 3 dogs. I proceed to get them up and take care of them, before I head out to the barn to take care of the horses. Dan pretends to sleep for another 10 minutes.

Okay.... so lifes not that bad. But it's always interesting around here.....

Intro

I am blogging. What about remains to be seen. Who will see this? Probably no one. But if someone happens upon it, maybe they'll find something to relate to.

I am 28 years old. I am a mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am a soon to be wife. I am an animal lover, and horse trainer. I read, I write, I watch movies and a handful of TV shows. Sometimes I cry, but more often I laugh.

I was born the youngest child of a blended family. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters, but I am the only one from both of parents. I grew up spoiled, in an ideal childhood. I had best friends, played barbies, did dance, gymnastics, and ice skating. Then I found horses. But that's another story. I need to run, but I plan to write more soon.....