This was written 10/06. I'm proud of it.
He is the most dangerous of all men. He is smart, charming, sensitive and stable. He is your best friend, there for you when you need to be taken care of. He laughs at your jokes, and calls to say good morning. You take amazing trips, and lie in bed at three in the afternoon, with the windows open while it is pouring down rain. He is, you believe, the half that will make you whole.
Yet there is something missing, something you cannot put your finger on. Songs play on the radio, country tunes sung by men that cannot live without that one woman, and you wonder, would he have written that song about me? In your heart, you are afraid of that answer. You see commercials for engagement rings, and out of the corner of your eye you see him cringe just the slightest bit. You tell yourself that you are being silly. That this man, this perfect, perfect man loves you as much as he can. So he can't write a song, and he isn't ready to get married, but there is time for all that. For now you just exist together, in his bed, on his couch, always in his territory.
Then it begins to go wrong. You cannot pinpoint exactly when. The light in his eyes grew dim so slowly, you never saw it go out. He tells you that he needs space, that over time your lives have become so entwined, he dosen't want the pressure, the responsibilty. Nothing has changed outwardly. You still love the same shows, enjoy the same music, cook together on Sunday mornings, but in his heart he has decided your love is not for him.
You ask how long he's known, and of course the answer tears your heart open. He says he's always known, he just wanted it to work out, he wanted to love you, and he tried, but he cannot change who he is. And since you have already changed who you are, tried to fit yourself into what you thought he wanted you to be, you suddenly feel lost. What about what you want? Where are you in all of this? Where is the person you were two weeks ago, before he broke your heart? Where is the person you were two years ago, before you even met him? What now?
So now you're in your territory. In an apartment you've had but never lived in. Working to keep busy, taking care of the child that also fell in love with him, and that he also walked out on.. You try to make yourself tired enough that you fall asleep at night, but when you do you dream. Of falling cars and dark water, of summer that will never come again. You drive by his house and there is a not so strange car in your spot, someone you both knew, and now he knows better. You realize how over it really is.
As the days pass you make the allowed number of hurt and angry calls, and make a fool of yourself once or twice in your hurt and angry state of mind. But then you begin to realize what was wrong with him. He led your heart into a false sense of security. He made promises and meant to keep them, but he knew what he was doing all along. He tried to love you, not really for you, but more to prove to himself he was worthy of you, even though he always knew he wasn't good enough. He convinced you, and your friends, and all those that are close to you, but in his mind he really knew he was just pretending. As you realize each bad quality of his, you remember something about yourself that you'd forgotten. Like that you love fresh flowers in the house, and a kitten to curl up on the couch with. You love to write and you finally get to those books you'd been meaning to read. You prefer to sleep with the TV off, and you honestly hate Adult Swim. All of a sudden, you remember you.
He is the most dangerous type of man. He is the half that makes you whole, and you forget that you are whole without him. He is not your best friend, and though every promise he makes he wants to keep, he knows they are empty words. He loved you as much as he can, and he was as good to you as he could be. You saw the potential, but that is all it was: potential that will never be realized. He knew all along that you would get your heart broken, and the hardest part is he never cared enough to fill you in, to let you make informed decisions about how much to give him. He watched you get lost, and he knew what would happen, and he was too selfish to catch you as you fell for him, his lies, his facade. And he let your childs heart get broken also, which is the most unforgivable part of all..
He will tell you he's sorry, and you will believe him. You will tell him he's making a mistake and he will believe you. In time he'll realize what he lost, and when that day comes you will be so far over him you will laugh at the thought that you actually gave someone like him years of your life. You will find someone better, that is deserving of you, and all your imperfections and all that love you have to give. This was a hard lesson, but someday you'll be glad he broke your heart, for it showed you who you are.
